The Curse of the Vibrator

For years I have used a vibrator to satisfy me. Orgasms were a private affair that happened after my lovers left. I just met a guy and after sex I do not want him to leave. As much as I love him, when we make love I feel abandoned by the very desires that make me want to be with him. I love the feel of him in my arms but feel very little when we have intercourse. I feel so guilty. It’s as if I ruined myself for my lover and me: Lynn   

Dear Lynn, The guilt you feel is the same guilt that sells vibrators. The guilt that creates frigidity with intercourse, a guilt that only an inanimate high-velocity object can defeat, the guilt that defeated your loving fingertips when puberty demanded touch, the guilt that makes young men and women rush to orgasm rather than savoring and elongating each moment. This is the guilt you will have to defeat if you are to reach orgasm while having intercourse with your lover. You are in love. Refuse to live in the shadow of that guilt. You will need help from your lover and there is probably no better way to expand your relationship than to connect with him and begin to build the communication levels that will make your relationship a success.

If you have faked orgasm tell him it was for his self-esteem. Now place your ego on the line and tell him you have never had an orgasm with intercourse. Together, make a production of scrapping that cursed vibrator. A vibrator brings a focus to the clitoris that has the power to overwhelm that most manipulated of all sex organs: The female mind. Over powering the mind with high velocity plastic is a dreadful assault to that most sensitive of all human sex organs: The clitoris. It is time to become the woman you want to share with the man you want to share your life with. The man you love has ten magical fingertips, warm sensitive lips and what is perhaps the best sex organ a woman could possibly want, a tongue: A fleshy, extremely mobile, always lubricated organ that can move with the command of your lover as your mind comes alive and tells him how much you love that ‘panther’s kiss’.

You are having a prolonged intense affair with life when you court the man you love. You have made mockery of your potential for intensity when you floated down that lazy stream with a vibrator thrashing between your thighs. The time to be lazy is after sharing orgasm as you cuddle your man with post-orgasmic hormones massaging away the stress of living in a difficult world. Making love should make your heart pound, your breath suck in air with great gasps; you need to feel as if your whole body is pulsing as it is pulls away from life until orgasm explodes through your entire body. It is the difference between the athlete and the spectator. The man/woman who explodes with physical joy compared with the one who implodes on the couch.

Do not be too hard on yourself. The majority of women do not reach orgasm with intercourse. But as you learn to manipulate the wonder of teaching your mind to dance in tune to your whole body and your lover’s, do not consider the ones who cannot attain orgasm. Think only of the approximately 30% who do reach orgasm with penile insertion. They are the athletes. They set the bar.

Next week, Lynn, we will bring a long-time client, Jack, into our answer as we suggest ways to help a man control his climax. Remember, if you and your lover can learn to communicate at the level it will require to share orgasm with intercourse you will have learned the communication skills that will serve you so well through all life’s conflicts.

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